Ed's Rules
by Kristen Sharpe
Summary: (For Dealing with Crazy Alchemists and Angry Townspeople) After a few years of travel and dealing with far too many wacky situations and unreasonable people, Ed has developed a few personal rules. This being Ed, most rule numbers are random and arbitrary.
1. Rule 1

**Title:** Rule #1  
 **Author:** Kristen Sharpe  
 **Date:** November 13, 2015  
 **Rating:** K  
 **Warnings:** None.  
 **Disclaimer:** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.

* * *

Everything that goes wrong is the Colonel's fault.

Simple logic. He gives the orders, after all. The buck stops with him.

"So, Winry, all that busted automail is _his_ fault."

"I suppose he _ordered_ you to use your arm in place of a hammer?"

"The bullet holes in my favorite coat are his fault too."

"You can fix your own coat, Fullmetal!"

"Oh, and so is that time I was nearly burned at the stake by superstitious townspeople."

"That's because you told them that, yes, you _were_ summoning devils, Brother."

"Ask a stupid question... Anyway, it's _all_ the Colonel's fault."


	2. Rule 12

**Title:** Rule #12  
 **Author:** Kristen Sharpe  
 **Date:** November 13, 2014  
 **Rating:** K  
 **Warnings:** None.  
 **Disclaimer:** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.

* * *

If there are less than fifty ways it can go wrong, it's a workable plan.

Not that Ed ever counted all the ways a plan could go wrong, mind you. He just calculated if they fell between "a lot" and "certain doom".

"Because, let's face it, life is full of uncertainties, and no plan survives contact with the enemy anyway. You might as well go with your gut. If you waste time planning all the little details, you'll lose your chance."

"Checking to be sure the pipe you're sneaking through doesn't lead to a furnace isn't a _little_ detail, Brother."


	3. Rule 3

**Title:** Rule #3  
 **Author:** Kristen Sharpe  
 **Date:** September 17, 2016  
 **Rating:** K  
 **Warnings:** None.  
 **Disclaimer:** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.

* * *

Violence _is_ the answer.

At least, about sixty percent of the time it is. There's another thirty-five or so percent where it's _part_ of the answer.

Ed knows Al doesn't agree with that, but Al is an optimist. (Al also doesn't understand that violence is absolutely, positively necessary in response to insults about Ed's height. You can't let slander like that stand. It's a matter of honor.)

So, violence. It's a requirement out there. Because the world is full of crazed lunatics - most of them violent - who won't listen to anything but a steel fist in the face.


	4. Rule 18

**Title:** Rule #18  
 **Author:** Kristen Sharpe  
 **Date:** June 5, 2017  
 **Rating:** K  
 **Warnings:** None.  
 **Disclaimer:** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.

* * *

If you have to demolish a building, at least do it with style.

Any idiot with dynamite can demolish a building. For that matter, so can any idiot with a sledgehammer. If he keeps swinging, he'll hit something load-bearing eventually.

No, if you're going to do it, do it _right_. Big and loud and straight to the ground in one shot.

 _That's_ style.

As a bonus, it makes a great distraction, destroys sick research, and, hey, if someone actually needs that building again, better to start from scratch if it's already damaged.

...Look, damage happens. I just make it awesome.


	5. Rule 10

**Title:** Rule #10  
 **Author:** Kristen Sharpe  
 **Date:** August 28, 2017  
 **Rating:** K  
 **Warnings:** None.  
 **Disclaimer:** "Fullmetal Alchemist" belongs to Hiromu Arakawa, Square ENIX, Studio BONES and various other parties.

* * *

You can't choose which people you run into, but you can choose which window to throw them out of.

And, that's not any so-called "anger issues" talking, Al. That's practicality.

Because I sure don't get to choose the loonies I run into, and a good drop takes the wind out of most of them. Or at least slows them down.

It's kind of depressing how many nutcases are on the "only slowed down" list, actually.

Seriously, what do they feed all those big gorillas?

Anyway, windows; they're your friends.

So long as you aren't the one closest to them anyway.


End file.
